Guests: Robert Bordone and Joel Salinas, MD | Book: Conflict Resilience: Negotiating Disagreement Without Giving Up or Giving In
This week on Working on Purpose, I’m joined by Robert Bordone and Joel Salinas, MD, authors of Conflict Resilience: Negotiating Disagreement Without Giving Up or Giving In. Together, we explore how to transform conflict from something we fear into a tool for connection, clarity, and better leadership.
“Engaging with and working through conflict directly and authentically can bring you closer and make you happier and more successful… the only way forward and deeper in a relationship is to navigate through the toughest conflicts.” — Robert Bordone & Joel Salinas, MD
Why it matters
Conflict is everywhere—teams, families, communities. When we handle it well, trust grows, innovation sparks, and relationships strengthen. When we avoid it, frustration festers and performance slips.
Core ideas from the episode
- Your brain on conflict: Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or fester are protective reflexes—not destiny. Recognizing your default creates room to choose differently.
- From helplessness to effectiveness: Conflict skills are learned. Metacognition (thinking about your thinking) interrupts defensiveness and opens empathy and choice.
- Two essential capacities:
- Conflict recognition—naming tensions early (tone, body language, emotions, not just words).
- Conflict holding—staying present through discomfort long enough for truth and connection to emerge.
- Listening is your stealth superpower: High-quality listening (focus, curiosity, positive intent) reduces polarization and softens extreme views—often more than counter-arguing ever will.
A simple prep for hard conversations
- Pause & breathe
- Write why it matters (and why you’re avoiding it)
- List your interests (what you need)
- List their interests (what they may need)
The N-C-T micro-habit
Notice your reflex → Consider another response → Try one small, different move. Perfection not required—intentionality is.
Try this this week
- Let the other person speak first. Take notes. Wait two beats before responding.
- Replace one accusation with a curiosity prompt: “What feels most important to you here?”
- Name one tension out loud, kindly: “I sense we see X differently—can we explore it?”
Your turn: What conversation have you been avoiding—and what would change if you approached it with curiosity instead of control?
💬 Let’s continue this conversation—share your thoughts in the comments.
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